Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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