apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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