I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
