I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
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she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
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I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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