I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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