Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
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I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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