he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
