There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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