Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
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