Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
