She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
