Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
