I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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