Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
