I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
