So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
i've created a new STD.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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