you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
