Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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