Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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