she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Randomize
