i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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