We named our party play list daddy issues
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
