remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
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Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
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Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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