She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
