just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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