If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
