There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
