At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
