I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
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Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
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Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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