my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
