I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
