I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
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It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
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I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
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