whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
