I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
