im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
