i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
