Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
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Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
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If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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