an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
