half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
