well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
