You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Randomize
