i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
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