Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
