for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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