I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Randomize
