DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
