we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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