We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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