One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
