So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I wish they made helmets for livers.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
