The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
