Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
