she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You can't just leave with hair like that
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
