If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
