Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My cat gives me a boner
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Randomize
