My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
